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you know what, xxx? it's fucking black over here. this might be an impossibly ridiculous space on which to effuse, but i just don't fucking care anymore. i'm drowning.

it's astonishing to me that something can seem so thick and overwhelming, you can't conceive of a worse moment and then... you go to bed, wake up and it's actually worse.

it'll all change. everything does. but i'm suffocating right now.

sometimes i just think of my friends who are doing really well and i just kind of pray about them. i don't know how to make the darkness go away, but that helps sometimes. you're one of those friends. i mean- musically. i don't really know you or what you feel, but i think really pure, good things about your shows and your success.

i can't believe, seriously, i'm about to press 'send,' but i'm about to press send.

REPLY

i feel you...

everything has been crazy for me lately, but at the same time i've felt extremely lonely and depressed...

i'm still dealing with a lot of feelings from my xxx...

i'm glad i'm busy, it takes me away from dwelling on everything

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i usually get scared when i type cryptic shit like that, to people. but i can tell it sucks enough right now, because i seriously didn't care when i sent it. i just thought- fuck it. if he thinks i'm a freak, fuck it.

i see that you're pulled in different places, regarding xxx. i've told you- i see your updates and they read like someone who is feeling extremes.

i don't know if being busy or being exactly the opposite, helps it stop. i know one day, things will just feel different. i also know that one of the most maddening sensations i've ever come across, is having a festering, open sore that you can't treat. that you just have to watch, from a distant part of your body, grow infected, weep, heal slightly, split back open, scab... that you just have to watch change. watch and FEEL change. sometimes it's like worms or tar. sometimes it's like sulfuric acid. sometimes i feel like an animal caught in trap jaws or like the avenues of my brain tissue are infected. with bugs or devils.

there's this Cage song with a movie clip sample that says "people say his brain was infected by devils." sometimes i just sing that part over and over in my head.

this is gross.