Gratitude

I was deeply- yes, deeply touched to find that a sweet, new friend, had read my blog with fever.  I literally type this blog and imagine it never being seen.  Mostly I type for posterity, or to get the poison out.  It works most of the time.

Reading back over some of the rawest posts I've made, I feel tremendous gratitude.  The darkest of days are SO CLOSE behind and yet I feel unimaginably different, today.  Therapy never stops helping.  It literally never stops helping.  Scarily, I didn't even... couldn't even bring myself to type during the darkest, pitch-blackest times.  My fingers passing over keys, felt like lifting little lead pipes.  Exhausting to imagine doing and quite impossible to do.  Thank you God for the change in me.  Thank you God for relief.

I didn't deal with the passing of my mother.  I pushed it all under a mountain of starvation (literally) and chose to burn my agony in the furnace of being forever hungry.  Again, literally, forever hungry.  I stopped putting food in my mouth and made fire.  A fire into which I pushed all things unbearable.  Immolated they became, in the name of psyche-survival.  It was fine.  I needed to deal in that manner.  I'll post, some day, about my thinness. 

I guess this is a post of thanks.  Thanks to God for being a guide for me.  Thanks to my therapist for following her heart (career wise) and then saving mine.  Thanks to sweet friends who care to pass by and ingest these words.  And thanks to the Universe for guiding me through the power of instinct.  Everything feels so much right-er these days.  

I am so lucky... so lucky.