Suck

so... Hula isn't blogging today. it's me. Hula-Mommy. i have to say a few things cause they're hurty.

yesterday, i made a terrible mistake. i was at my biz partner's house, doing biz things and for one sec, i took my eyes off Hula. she's so good and i just think i FEEL her intentions... so i let her roam free in the yard. well... i didn't see where, but she went exploring something and hid herself SOMEWHERE (it's all totally a mystery). i thought she'd gotten out to busy Crescent Heights and i, against everything i wanted to do, looked for her along that street and the surrounding streets, after Ann and i combed the yard. i was... panic isn't the word. i was SHOCKED. just operating outside of my body and incapable of making sense except the sense it took to say "Hula... baby... Hula!" over and over. i just moved like a zombie... around and around, not even wearing shoes until Ann said "put your shoes on."

Hula... she was fine. she'd done, as Eric put it "what dogs do" and, i don't know... had gone some place small and interesting to her and for whatever reason, didn't come to my calls. i thought i'd go out of my mind in those few minutes. i can't believe JUST HOW MUCH i love and need this dog. she's like... she's perhaps unnaturally part of me. i'm sometimes embarrassed by how deeply i care for her and her little body and face and fur and BEING. i can't even begin to consider how much it would kill me to know i'd been irresponsible and allowed her into the arms of harm. i felt like, in those moments, perhaps what a mother might feel like, knowing her child was in danger. i don't want to trivialize motherhood and how profound that connection must be, but sometimes i feel like, in another life, perhaps Hula WAS my little girl.

so... i was nervous all night... feeling over her little body and bones. making sure she wasn't actually hurt and recovering from some kind of trauma and THAT was why she didn't come to my calls. listening carefully (and at times, obsessively) to her respiration to make sure she wasn't having any kind of trouble with breathing or walking or ANYTHING. she seems as normal as ever, except the fact that she kind of has this "what the hell is up with you, mom?" vibe. huuuuuu... the whole damn event was crazy.

at any rate, i'm grateful to have this space on which to effuse and UBER GRATEFUL that a few of my sweet, wonderful friends read it (and sometimes even comment! i love that so, so, so much!). thank you, SO MUCH, Chris and Ann, for being sturdy when i was looking for my sweet Hula-love and helping to calm me down. what an awful event and what strong, kind responses from you.

le sigh!